Well its another restless night here, I headed to bed pretty much as soon as I got in from work and wandering through town. I was cold and just wanted to lie down in a warm, safe place and close my eyes to think and review the day and current thoughts. I could feel myself drifting and thought to myself that maybe tonight was another lucky night regarding sleep.
But as soon as the lights went off, I was on high alert. Eyes wide open, heart racing and all trace of sleep immediately disappeared to leave me feeling on edge and a panic attack worked its way over me....which hence explains my current situation being on the laptop late at night, letting that fear slowly seep from me as I type.
I hate the fact I have a sleep phobia and at times it causes moments like this to become frequent and run-of-the-mill until I basically work myself into exhaustion and my body gives up and shuts down...something that is so frustratingly out of control for me.
Being psychologically trapped and tortured in a way to the extreme that it develops into a physical state (be it exhaustion/abuse etc) is certainly something I hate and is to be expected so I’ve been told by the medical practitioners involved in my care. It helps that on some level I know its not me going crazy and I just need to ride it out but still.....
Saying one thing and experiencing it is two completely different scenarios!
What I hate from this sleepless scenario is how it puts me in a vulnerable state of mind where I randomly attack things mentally and dredge up memories/emotions to relive it for what possible end, I do not know! It is human behaviour that we do this so we learn from our mistakes but when you going back over old grounds, combing through everything with a fine teethed comb over a scene that pretty much been investigated to every inch of its being and holds nothing left...its really, really unproductive!
Like right now, I want to make myself scarce for forthcoming dates. I don’t want to be around in the city or online to see even the slightest trace of evidence that certain people exist or (immature as this sounds) having a better time than me. (Come on, we all been there haven’t we? Coming across photos of some party that looks totally epic, all your friends went and you weren’t there? I will admit that the people and loved ones I know have me there at pretty much everything! Its the ones that are no longer apart of your life for whatever reasons.)
I have let go of people from my life, some have been right howlers where even now I scratch my head and think “What on earth came over me?” and some that left either fond memories or raw wounds that I wouldn’t even dare go near. The point is, when I get to this vulnerable state of mind and combing over old memories, it brings up all manners of irrational fears. We want to appear completely amazing when in the presence of those who drifted out of our lives, like “I’ve lost weight, looking great and rocking these new shoes today which I bought with my newly inherited millionaire fortune....be in awe of me!” when really, nothing new has changed! I know I’m not alone in this, I’ve seen some completely rational, level headed friends who one minute are walking beside me in town and the next are hiding behind the perfume display only because the ex was walking by and they didn’t want to be seen with bad hair on that particular day!
If I’m honest, I haven’t really got the energy to really even hide these days. Its not who I am, I’m the first to admit to mistakes and say I’m faaaaaar from perfect...but who is? And besides, we don’t have a guide book on life and how to live it do we? I learn from mistakes and move on from the lesson. If people feel the need to judge me, I would simply ask “Why?” Why do they feel the need to do so?
More often than not, its their own insecurities and poor knowledge and understanding that is the main motivator. They haven’t moved on in places and matured or acquired a frame of mind that one needs to grow and live.
This brings me back to my main point, sitting here and worrying about how to make myself invisible on certain dates so not to expose myself to the possible potential pains. Do I? Is that a bad thing to self-preserve especially when I know I have a mental disorder that leaves me exposed and handle things badly?
Or do I take it on the chin and put on a false smile and stick it out?
I’m not entirely sure, I do know the latter is completely false of me right now but I’m hoping as time passes I will be able to make a decision. We live in a world where we have a variety of mediums where we can share and interact with people and it is so hard to avoid these things. It’s become the norm to organise social events via social websites (facebook) and screaming out your latest thoughts on twitter (one I doubt I will use myself and hardly ever read.)So to avoid this, in some ways I got to retract from a large element of “normal” life.
Should I stay or should I go hide away until its all over?
We will see!